Good Riddance
by Stoic Harlequin
Summary: Reflection isn't one of Raph's strongest suits, yet he finds himself trapped by one said consideration in regards to his missing brother. Set pre movie #4.


**Good Riddance**

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><p><em>It's been a long time since I've been close to you <em>  
><em>It's been a long time since I've been sad. <em>  
><em>It's been a while since I've really spent time with you <em>  
><em>Wish I could take back the times that I had. <em>  
><em>The only thing that you ever really did for me <em>  
><em>Was make me oh so miserable. <em>  
><em>And the hope that I never see your face again <em>  
><em>Is anything but questionable. <em>  
><em>I hope this is goodbye. <em>**  
>Alkaline Trio, "Jaked on Green Beers" <strong>

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><p><em>Perhaps you should talk to Raphael...your absence has been particularly difficult for him. <em>

Raph was staring at the ceiling. The sewer was damp, humid and likely unbearable for anyone, but he and his brothers, for living arrangements. The sewer's very nature was stand offish, if only for it's title and the implications there-in. Even beyond that, there were health hazards everywhere as well as the ever constant threat of waking up with a rat tail or roach antenna lingering in their faces. Master Splinter had even taken to being negatively impacted by the moisture from time to time. To them, however, this was home...it was the only place they could be without ridicule or causing havoc in the streets. Here, in the sewers, they were no more frightening than the creatures that lurked around the bend. Where on the surface they were 'monsters' in so many ways, here they could simply be themselves.

Little bubbles of condensation had formed on the reddish-brown bricks over his head, like tear drops for a structure that would rather not exist. There was a crack that his eyes followed all the way to the wall, crooked and winding in its path but deep within the surface. It was the cause of the trickle, the leaky pipe sound, as the methodical drip was hard to mistake. There was a chance that there was a broken pipe somewhere behind one of the walls, which might be contributing to the noise. It didn't really occur to him to mind; or even care for that matter. If anything, that was Don's department. For Raph, instead, it was just another reason why home was home.

That was the point; Raph didn't care. Or at least he pretended to be authentically uncaring, which resulted in a whole slew of concerns that only frustrated him further. The truth was Raph did care, more than he ever wanted to admit or acknowledge. It was moments like this, in which he loathed, where things were quiet. It was then that he was so bored (or perhaps just absorbed in his thoughts) that he found little else to do but feel fully. Reflecting was for pussies – pussies like Leo. The thought in and of itself had a little smile tugging at the corners of Raph's mouth. He thought himself both witty and right in his deduction of their leader, the only one of them to waste time on trivial thoughts of the past. Leader – he thought in a sneer – some leader...abandoning his charge. To what? Better guide them? Figures, only Leo would think leaving was in their best interest.

Raph wasn't Don whose mind was always working on some complex or abstract problem that just had to be solved. He couldn't tinker with something only to figure out its function half way through. Raph snorted, it was mild sort of annoyed yet amused inflection at how little he actually understood his intellectually inclined brother. Where Don was smart in books and theory, Raph had his own intelligence elsewhere - something Don couldn't learn from a paperback. His massive arms moved over his chest where he folded them, symbolically and subconsciously closing himself off from the very idea.  
>Don had encouraged Leo, he had wanted him to go and learn. "Maybe you can bring what you learned back to us. I wish I could go with, but I'm not much for south of the border. No computers in the back country." He had teased softly; the words echoed in Raph's head with a mock, unlike Don had meant it then. But it was how Raph had heard it. "But really Leo, I think its a good idea. It would be helpful to learn new techniques, perhaps old tribal ones, to help us."<p>

One of his brow ridges arched behind the red bandanna covering his eyes, almost in disgust for the memory. Don was so dumb sometimes. For how smart everyone said he was, he sure had a funny way of showing it. He couldn't see the world beyond numbers and facts, he simply didn't get that. He might fully comprehend the answer to the universe, but he hardly understood the inner workings of society on anything more than a scientific micro and macro scale. There was no connection in that cold and objective view. Raph knew better, he and the mean city were one. They understood each other and simultaneously hated each other as a result. He concluded that Don probably only knew the intangible concepts of the concrete jungle above because he read it in a book somewhere. If Don couldn't touch and measure it, it was next to impossible for him to convince it existed.

Raph certainly wasn't Mikey either, that was for sure. Mikey was a creature, an entire sub-species, all his own. The cogs in Raph's mind chugged along slower with the thought of young-minded and energetic Mike. He couldn't even comprehend how they were part of the same gene pool. Raph reasoned that it must be nice to be that naively oblivious to…everything. Innocence, to some, was considered a treasure; those unhindered by the world were meant to lead it to success. Raph just thought it made them weaker. Mike was innocent, and Raph figured he was weak for it too. He got lucky most of the time as he skated by on natural skill. Don and Mikey, they weren't so different - both naive to separate parts of the world. Only where Don didn't seem to know much of people like Raph did, Mikey didn't seem to understand much of anything at all. His optimism might seem refreshing to others, but to Raph, it meant he had to watch closer to what Mikey did as it would likely get him killed one day.

He too had condoned Leo's vacation. Raph felt the smile from moments earlier evaporating and quickly turning into a deep frown. Mike, the idiot, told Leo to go – 'have fun bro,' he'd said, 'learn lots.' That shit didn't fool Raph though. He heard Mike crying the night Leo abandoned them, his pain clear as day. Raph would acknowledge that on some level, he envied Mikey for his ability to do that; to feel so wholly. Where Raph felt the things that Mike could, he didn't know how to feel them properly like his brother did. When he felt like crying, nothing came out but rage and frustration...it didn't make sense to him, but he didn't fight it either. As much as he envied Mikey's ability to express himself, it wasn't something he really wanted for himself. Yet he was jealous of it on some level he couldn't even understand, one that he didn't have interest in thinking about. The evidence part of it was left for Don and the philosophical for Leo - that left Raph to just accept it as it was and deal with it accordingly.

"You're fuckin' kiddin' me." Had been the words that fell from Raph's lips the moment Leo announced his plan to go to Central America, with Master Splinter's blessing mind you. That part made it even worse - it was like everyone was perfectly fine with Leo ditching them except Raph. "Fine then, leave. I hope you get sunburned." The ruse that it had been Master Splinter's plan in an attempt, a vain attempt, to make Leo a better leader didn't fly with Raph. He got it for what it really was, because he understood the world and it's purpose. It was a bitter, angry and unfair realm that sought to dump on them – on him. This was but another shit heap of a chapter in their lives.

He'd wanted to add the familiar phrase that ran through his head so often, 'we don't need you' but even in that moment, Raph couldn't form the words to say it. He was too angry. Angry for being abandoned. Angry for being left without a choice. Angry for the sake of being angry as it was easier than being badly hurt. The one thing Raph couldn't understand, in his perfect world view, was that anger and hurt affected him in the same manner. They were the same feeling and they originated from the same spot in his soul. And, as a result, not even he could really separate when he felt one or the other.  
>But, perhaps, this time it was both.<p>

His fist had come down on the wooden kitchen table, making it give a low groan and creak in response to his frustration. Leo, of course, had jumped to the defense of the table; at least that had been Raph's perspective of it. Raph remembered it well. He'd spouted off some noble bull shit about how it was Raph's temper that limited his ability, which only further fueled the already raging fire under Raph's plastron. "You have no concern for anyone, even those that should matter most to you. That is exactly why I'm doing this...because I care where you fail to. Go ahead...hit the table...and show all of us that you're too uncontrollable to reach your full potential." Before he knew it, they were in a tussle of such intensity Master Splinter's voice was drowned out by the roaring in his ears and the pounding in his head.

Raph squinted at the ceiling angrily, feeling like he could hit the table - or Leo's face - just like he had that day. He could feel a bubble of pain and aggravation welling in his chest again, simply from the memory. He hated Leo in that moment, hated his very existence and his absence all at once. Where he wanted him there, he wanted him gone too and that conundrum stupefied him enough to just plain frustration. He couldn't differentiate between the separate things his anger meant as they all boiled to the same burning sensation in his chest.

Things would be easier without Leo bossing them around; at least, that was Raph's excuse right then. It would be quieter without his constant nagging, his insistence in regimented training, his petulant responsibility and speeches about nobility. Yes, it would definitely be better without Leo.

"I hope this is goodbye." Raph grumbled aloud to the vacant space above him, to no one at all. It was a fleeting sort of statement, a declaration directed to the missing brother somewhere across the world. Most of all, Raph hoped Leo was gone for good, because he wouldn't know how to respond or react if he did return. He wouldn't know how to express his gratitude, the misbegotten absent spot in his memory and his heart for the oldest turtle, or how to demonstrate his affection for Leo now that he was back. Absence made the heart grow fonder, in any situation, but Raph had no clue how to express his sadness and pain. It was easier without having to think about it or plan for said event.

"I just really hope its goodbye." Raph repeated, but even the attempt at a bitter, mocking and distasteful sneer came out soft. He didn't even believe himself and was thankful that he was alone and the only one to bare witness to his weakness. Because he felt embarrassed just confessing it to himself, let alone anyone else.

He wasn't meant to feel so soft...so lonely. It was all Leo's fault; at least, that's what Raph told himself. It didn't matter that he would never fully believe his own thoughts. If only it could be goodbye, forever.

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><p><strong>::Author's Note::<strong>

This story was originally written a few years back by one of us individually. It has since been revised and added onto by the other as we merge our writing together these days. Its a little reflection of Raph and is set before movie four, the CGI one. Thank you for reading! The words in song are property of Alkaline Trio and were inspiration for this story. I guess that makes this a songfic, eh?


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